How I See Myself

The picture for this blog is of me when I was 24. I had a two year old child. I thought I was fat. Seeing these pictures now, dear God I was thin, so thin, but I remember that day well. My friend at the time, Heather McFarlane, took the pictures. I was so self-conscious. This…is having body distortion issues. Barbie didn’t help.

My weight has always been an issue for me, and it shouldn’t have been. In 4th grade, some stupid male told me I was fat when I was nine years old. Then a few years later, at age 13, I was told by a family member I was getting a fat ass and a double chin. OK, I may have had a few extra pounds but by no means did I think I was fat.

I didn’t take the criticism well.

These comments have always stayed with me. Always. Still. My body image is completely distorted. I thought I was fat at 5’3 and 112 pounds. That’s what words do to you.

In 1980, bulimia wasn’t really a word we knew. Besides the fact that I was a sheltered kid, information beyond what I learned from Little House on the Prairie and After School Specials was beyond my comprehension.

So I started sticking my finger down my throat.

At our dinner table, you finished your plate…no…matter….what. I always felt so full after eating, puking seemed like an easy fix. That way I could finish dinner, puke and get…